There was a point yesterday when I kind of wanted to throw an iced coffee at a wall at Starbucks because it had too much cream in it. Yep. I didn't do it, of course. But it sure would have felt good, or at least I imagined doing it and it feeling good. I added it to the list of big feelings I was having all day.
Mr Rogers (Mr Fred Rogers, not Will) wrote a song called What do you do with the mad that you feel? Here are a few of the lyrics:
What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite? (a barista)
When the whole wide world seems oh so wrong (that's for sure)
And nothing you do seems very right? (true that, too)
What do you do? Do you punch a bag? (Do you chuck your coffee across the room?)
Do you pound some clay or some dough? (Or do you just eat some cookie dough?)
Do you round up friends for a game of tag? (Absolutely not--socializing is contraindicated)
Or see how fast you go? (I can't go fast. Part of the lead up to the potential coffee throwing)
It's great to be able to stop (Yes it is but also I think it would have felt good)
When you've planned a thing that's wrong (Sooo wrong, that's why I didn't do it)
And be able to do something else instead (I just cried instead)
I carried all those feelings right up to the end of the day and then brought them to bed with me, so it was no surprise that I woke up at 4am and they were there waiting. I was in bed writing, feeling bad but not wanting a repeat of yesterday. I got up to refill my coffee and to look at my wall, and as I scanned it I landed fortuitously on today's calendar page:
Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
I felt a wave of relief wash over me. What a solid piece of advice. I got my coffee and wrote my weekly check-in to my coach. I had one more cry and was up and out the door by 8am for my Sunday walk and coffee with my friend. On the way to St Paul I blasted the music (Johnny Cash) and rolled down the windows to blow out any last bit of yesterday that was hanging around looking for attention. I will give yesterday a little more attention at some point--it just seems smart to do so. And I will also just let most of it go, knowing those ever present middle age hormones and being pretty damn tired played a role in the day, too.
I had a pretty good day today. I walked and had coffee with my dear friends. I drove with the windows down and music blaring. I had a scone. I had a nap. And I had an iced coffee with exactly the right amount of cream in it.
Yesterday's gone. Today is National Ice Cream Day. And tomorrow is the start of a fresh week, full of possibility. It doesn't get much better than that.