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Middle Age

(And feeling strong AF)

"People may call what happens at midlife 'a crisis,' but it's not. It's an unraveling - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're 'supposed' to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are." Brene Brown

My name is Diane and I am 54 years old. I am middle aged, and I do not know how to wrap my head around that. It's not terrible, it's just terribly shocking. I don't know how it happened and I don't know when it happened. It's confusing to age, but I know it's a privilege. 

I have clear priorities that were never priorities before, like running and strength training. I'm endlessly frustrated that I love everything about that world, yet I am not a natural. I like to believe there is a bigger reason that it has a solid hold on me. I know for sure that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

Whatever that means : )

I do feel a desperate pull to live the life I want to live, because I have learned that life is finite. I don't just know it's finite intellectually, I know in my heart and in my bones that it is. That can happen to you at any point in your life, it just so happens that I found out in middle age. 

I don't have Venmo.

I've never taken an Uber. 

I have reading glasses.

I can run a faster mile than I could in my 30's or 40's. Possibly faster than in my 20's. Even though I can't really see where I'm going. 

I don't love driving at night.

I ran a 24 hour race at 54 years old and got 6th place for women. Of all ages. 

My daughter is closer to 30 than she is to 20.

I am shocked that I'm not in my 30's. I don't know how this happened. 

My only scrapbook is full of race bibs. 

I've been a vegetarian for 29 years.

I had a steak the other day. 

I can't have babies anymore.

I can deadlift 200 lbs x 5.

I kind of don't know who I am.

I totally believe in myself. 

I have new dreams. Fierce dreams.

I've lost friends.

I can't quite master being happy.

I'm totally happy with that.

My life doesn't look like I thought it would. 

I'm not finished yet.

I'm a runner.

I'm a writer.

I walked into middle age unraveling.

I am totally embracing who I am. 

And I'm grateful for all of it.