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Mettle Testing

Day 39, August 15th

broken image

By the end of the day today these words were exactly the pearls of wisdom I needed. I had a moment after a conversation today when I crumbled. My belief in myself came crashing down, and that voice of Resistance was right there at the ready to tell me how ridiculous I am, how ridiculous my ideas are and how no one would pay attention to what I have to say. Gee whiz. That's harsh. But I was caught off guard and within minutes I was ready to toss my dreams out the window, drive back to Safeville, and slip into the crowd, never to put my butt on the line again.

I cried for a long time--2 1/2 hours to be exact. I cried because I'm tired. I cried because I have a lot on my plate and sometimes it's hard to prioritize. And I cried because in this kind of moment when doubt is tossed into the mix the last thing I feel like I can do is to stand strong. But I dug deep anyway. I kept crying while I put my butt on the line. In the midst of my insecurity I reached out to someone about this dream I'm chasing and got a positive response, which was wonderful--but the part that really matters is that I reached out. In the middle of feeling defeated, I acted anyway.

These posts I'm doing from the pages on my wall are not things I've figured out and now I'm saying you should do this too! These are states of being that I am striving for. These are reminders that I can do it, reminders to keep going. I put my own little cheering section up there so that in moments like today I can find my way. If you really look at these calendar pages they are a call to action. And they aren't easy suggestions! They ask you to be brave in moments where you'd rather hide. They ask you to take another step when you'd rather cash it in.

At some point, in every outlandish dream, you will likely find yourself alone. Today I had to dig deep for that belief in myself. People may like what you do, and that's great. In my case that's necessary if I want to have success as a writer. I want to publish books--my fiction, my memoir, my running memoir, my book about my grandmother's life, and whatever else comes down the pike. But ultimately, when it comes down to it, and it will always come down to moments like today, I have to believe in myself. When I encounter doubt, that's when I have to do the hard thing, and the hard thing is to stand strong and dig deep and believe in myself. And whatever I do, never stop chasing those dreams.