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Keeping the Faith

Day 37, August 13th

broken image

Some days it's hard to pick a calendar page to write about. It seems as if most of the 71 pages that went back up on the wall from the hundreds to choose from have pretty strong, positive messages. It's what resonated with me and they are the ones that made the cut when I whittled down my pages on the wall at the beginning of the year. I am over half way done with this Writing the Wall project I gave myself so I now, obviously, have less pages to choose from. And today I'm feeling pretty tired and so none of those buoyant sentiments left up on the wall are really calling to me. It feels like it's even taking energy just to read them, let alone pick one and write about it.

But that might actually be the point of the whole exercise. I wasn't sure why I was doing what I was doing when I decided to minimize the hundreds of pages on the wall, except that it became too visually overwhelming to me. I didn't want to scrap the vision entirely, so I decided to take them all down and just keep the ones that had a lot of energy. Well, I did my job well. When I feel like tanking I have my own hand-picked reminders that giving up isn't an option. I can rest, I can stop and breathe, I can take a break--but I can't give up.

In some ways I feel like I've spent the last six years trying to catch up on what I missed while I sort of took a vacation from myself. I have a lot of ideas and a lot of energy, but I've also had to right the ship of my life and shed a lot of self doubt. There are some days when I think I just can't do it, but then I look at the wall. I can do it, I am doing it. This Writing the Wall exercise has been great at teaching me not to be precious about my writing. Writing every day and getting it out there requires me to, well, write every day and get it out there. It's not about being perfect, it's about showing up for myself and getting it done. And when the turn around is so quick and I'm writing other things too (and let's not forget running and daily life and work) I have to trust myself and send it on its' way. I like this exercise. I like this discipline.

Today is a day that is simply about keeping the faith. I'll keep writing. I'll keep running. I'll keep growing my little business and I'll keep pursuing my bigger dreams. I can take a deep breath, and stay positive, and believe that what I'm working hard for will arrive in some unexpected moment.